Sunday August 29,

Being a single mother is a tough job; juggling work and children, managing a household, and getting by on just one income. It can get lonely, and the instinct to reach out for male companionship is normal. But with violence against women at appalling levels in T&T, the search for Mr Right can turn deadly…not just for mom, but for her children as well. According to T&T Police Service statistics, over 12 per cent of murders can be classified as domestic. On average, four children are murdered each year. It’s clear that single mothers need to think long and hard before they try to fill the aching void in their arms. Many good men are willing to open their hearts to both a woman and her children. But there are also wolves who roam about, looking for their next victim. While almost any woman can fall into a potentially dangerous relationship, single moms are especially vulnerable.

What makes single mothers prone to abuse?
For single moms, finding a man can be tough. They can testify to the crestfallen expression and the muttered excuses they endure the moment an attractive man, who seconds before was in hot pursuit, discovers the target of his wooing has kids waiting at home. For every man willing to date a mom, there are more who aren’t prepared to deal with the limits her children place on the relationship. Dates have to be planned around the availability of a babysitter, and end early if it’s a school night. Forget about a long, passionate night in bed! If loneliness makes her desperate, a woman’s judgment can leap out the window. Second, according to a female psychologist who has written several books on women’s issues, women can fall victim to ‘scripts’ they learned as children.

A girl who has witnessed her mother endure several failed relationships might think this is normal. If the mother believes she deserves mistreatment and constantly seeks to appease the man, even when it endangers her or her children, it sends a strong message. Abusive men within the home effectively train the next generation of males to become abusers, and girls to accept abuse. Sadly, many women aren’t even aware they’re following a script written by their mothers, and can’t understand why their relationships repeatedly fail. They blame themselves, their self-esteem dips, and they seek out yet another ‘bad’ man. The cycle continues.

Third, the psychologist explains, there are economics to consider. These are ‘guava days’, but while some deal with it by forgoing that trip to Disney World, others face eviction, hunger, and genuine hardship. Some women feel they have no choice but to find a man to ‘mind’ them and their children. Unfortunately, that ‘job’ comes with occupational hazards.

How to spot a dangerous man
Abusers and predators hide behind a smoke-screen of charm and sensuality, so it may take several dates to catch on to the danger signs. According to the American Psychological Association, the chinks in your knight’s shining armour can take several forms. If you’re dating a man, think seriously if he displays any of these behaviours:

• Jealousy—of the time you spend or feelings you have for family and friends, and especially your children.
• Control—he decides where you go, what you wear.
• Superiority—he’s smarter and better than you. He hates to lose, even if it’s just a game.
• Manipulation—he makes you think everything’s your fault. If you suspect something’s wrong with your relationship, obviously you’re crazy.
• Mood swings—one minute he’s Mr Smooth; the next he’s Mr Hyde. This keeps you off balance…and vulnerable.
• Disrespect for women—if he’s mean to the waitress, eventually he’ll be just as nasty to you.
• Lying and broken promises—another way to keep you off-balance.
• Addiction—alcoholism or drug abuse is a clear signal that he’s out of control.
• A history of violence—against animals or other people. If he’s quick to get into a brawl, or boasts about the time he ‘had to slap’ an ex-girlfriend, get out. Get out now!

What about the children?
While the opinions of single mothers polled vary about the length of time that should elapse between a first date and the first time she introduces a man to her kids, they agreed that children should only meet their date when it seems that the relationship is going somewhere. This way, the kids don’t become attached to him, only to have their hearts broken if the relationship falls apart. It also reduces the likelihood of teaching young girls the script of serial failed relationships, enhancing their chances of escaping the cycle. Finally, it keeps them out of harm’s way, should the relationship turn sour. Once the relationship has progressed to a level where it feels safe, let your children meet your man in a family setting away from the house, like a kid-friendly fast-food restaurant. Trust your instincts—and the child’s. Children have uncanny abilities when it comes to sniffing out insincerity. If the child doesn’t like the man, ask why…and listen.

What to do if you think you’re in danger
The T&T Coalition Against Domestic Violence is a good online source of advice, and can be found at www.ttcadv.net. Among their many useful tips to prevent abuse against yourself or your children are:
• Don’t allow a man to cut you off from your family
• Don’t become financially dependent on him
• Tell someone if you feel threatened
• Contact an agency such as the police, 800-SAVE (7283), or the Coalition itself
• Get help from your family or support system
• Maintain your self-esteem; it’s not your fault
• Seek counselling or therapy

Don’t become a statistic
Domestic violence affects us all as a society, but the most vulnerable among us are the children, and they deserve to be protected. Single motherhood is a tough, lonely job, and no one would blame you for seeking company. But the cardinal rule is to think about your children; their health, safety, and emotional well-being...first.

Here’s what three single moms had to say:

Men don’t want excess baggage
Having lived in Trinidad and outside of our country for a number of years, choosing a mate is different in both countries. Abroad men tend to be more caring, gentle and compassionate to women who are single parents. However, in Trinidad it’s easy to find a man, but hard to find a good man who is willing to settle down and accept your kids as their own. They often see your children as excess baggage. If you are lucky and the man invites you out on a date all he is willing to offer is a box of chicken and chips with the hope that he gets sex in return. I am not falling for that trap. If a man loves me for who I am then he must also love my children.
—Carol Chase

Looking out for wolves in sheep clothing
I for one tend to be very protective of my ten-year-old daughter, especially when it comes to choosing a mate. You may think you’ve found the best man when he is only a wolf in sheep clothing. Some men tend to get close to you when it’s only your daughter they are after. So you have to exercise caution when selecting a man, especially when you have girl children or a young daughter. I try to know the man inside-out before bringing him home. You may think you have found Mr Right when it’s Mr Wrong you have been dating and falling in love with. Also, it’s difficult to find a partner who is willing to accept a woman, especially when she has crossed her 40s.
—Shireen Blake

My kids are part of the package
Firstly, I won’t allow any or every man to come around my children. If I am interested in someone and he is interested in me I will only introduce him to my children after several weeeks, once I am certain of his intentions. He must be ambitious, employed and hard working and have a good relationship with his parents and family. If he does not respect me or my kids there is no future. Though it is not his responsibility to take care of my kids financially and otherwise, he must known that if he wants a relationship with me he has to accept my children as part of the package. If he can’t, I will open the door and show him the way out.
—Lisa Smith