Relationships always start out sweet. The long strolls in the park; the lengthy telephone conversations; the “I can’t wait to see you” moments; and the giddiness that usually occurs during the first six months. But all it takes is for a few years to go by, and complacency to step in, before you start whistling a different tune. You see, its so natural to be blinded to an individual’s negative qualities during the initial “romantic” phase. It’s almost as though people experiencing “new love” are programmed to ignore the red flags that are present even during courtship. Is failure to recognise these warning signs what causes a relationship to eventually take a nose dive, sometimes to a point where it never recovers?

What the experts say
According to author/life coach and relationship expert, Barbara De Angelis: “We need to find the courage to say no to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to discover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity.” Susan Russo, also a relationship expert, explains that there are no perfect relationships. “Most relationships have their normal ups and downs, highs and lows. These kinds of relationships can and will be worked out because both partners will put forth the effort and these relationships have a solid foundation.

“But, if you find yourself in a relationship where you are the only one trying 90 per cent of the time, that isn’t a relationship it is a dead end street,” she warns. Russo also admonishes anyone in an unhealthy relationship to be honest with themselves and not try to hold on to what is left of that relationship. She says if they are in denial, it is time for them to walk, adding that that individual will only be stuck wasting months, and perhaps years of their life trying to salvage something that will never work.

“The clincher is you are on the receiving end of disrespectful, dismissive behaviour on a consistent and ongoing basis, and nothing seems to change. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you pray, scream, or beg, it all falls on deaf ears. “There really is a whole world outside of this relationship. Give yourself a chance to have the kind of relationship that is worth fighting for. Let go of what isn't working. Release yourself from a one way relationship and take the steps toward a better future. “There is nothing in your life right now that will keep you from being happy, but you. When you muster up the courage to take back your power and do what is right for your life, you will be surprised at how things will change for the best,” Russo advises.

Manipulation is not love
Most of the time people find it hard to exit an unhealthy relationship because of money, sex, or romance. But it is important to remember that if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, all the “romantic” gestures in the world that your girlfriends, boyfriends, or spouses may make, won’t change their hurtful behaviour. Whenever they sense they’ve perhaps gone too far and risk losing you, they’ll do whatever they can to keep you from leaving. Their only real interest, however, is not your welfare but rather the fear of losing whatever it is they want from you—including their position of dominance and control. Doctor George Simon explains this in his book, Sheep’s Clothing. He says seduction is a particularly effective tactic abusive individuals use to feign regard for other people, and to convince those whom they want to dominate and control that they value them and can’t live without them.

Get out
The bottom line is that if he/she treats you poorly now, this will only continue, and it could possibly escalate to physical violence. As painful as it is, the truth may very well be that your relationship will not get better. If it's been years and there is no change—change will not come now. How much longer will you throw away your beautiful years? Love is never abusive. Love is never controlling. You cannot change him/her. You can only change yourself. Part of this change involves getting out—leave.